


you'd best believe

by helloearthlings



Category: King Falls AM (Podcast)
Genre: Alcohol, Closeted Character, Clubbing, Coming Out, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-05-15
Packaged: 2019-05-07 07:45:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14666544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/helloearthlings/pseuds/helloearthlings
Summary: “I’m glad you know now,” Jack said with a little smile. “Thanks for not hating me, dude.”“Jack, I –” Sammy was going to finish the sentence with another reassurance, but then the words he’d been avoiding saying all night crawled out of the pit of his stomach and into his mouth, and God, he was going to say it, he was going to say the thing he couldn’t take back, he was going to –“Me too,” Sammy’s breaths came out short and labored as Jack blinked at him curiously.“You too…what?” Jack asked, his eyes raking over Sammy as if he’d find an answer there but Sammy had to say it, that was the only way, he had to say it, say something, say anything –“Me too,” Sammy repeated a little more forcefully. “I…also. You know. I am also. I also…am.Me too."





	you'd best believe

**Author's Note:**

> Welp, this got the fuck away from me. It all stemmed from the scene in the summary and then transformed into whatever this is. Anyway, it made me happy because it's fluffy and happy and Sammy and Jack are both utterly useless at being people. 
> 
> Hope you guys like it and it eases the pain of the hiatus!

The house was practically shaking with the bass of the blaring music by the time Sammy poured himself a second drink from the punch bowl.

He generally didn’t trust punch bowls but this one was in his own kitchen and he’d helped Lily make it that afternoon – well, helped was a stretch, he’d sat there and watched her while she complained that he wasn’t helping enough – and besides, Lily had threatened to castrate Darren if he added anymore liquor to the already highly potent concoction, so he figured it was probably safe to drink.

Everyone was taking the last-blowout-before-graduation a little too seriously in Sammy’s opinion. It wasn’t like any of these fuckers would stop drinking the second they got their degree and entered the adult world. But it might as well have been the last night on earth the way some of them were chugging their liquor.

He didn’t really care about the near-constant stream of his roommates’ friends and friends of friends’ drinking habits, but he’d noticed Darren and Lauren at the keg stand earlier and hoped neither of his roommates would be expecting him to camp out in the bathroom with them tonight or tomorrow morning.

Sammy might sit up with Lily if she asked, but she never would. Besides, Lily was a much more reserved drinker than either Darren or Lauren, and had a stronger constitution than the two of them put together. Darren already threw up three days a week and Lauren was tiny enough to get tipsy from a single beer.

Sammy would obviously stay up with Jack, but he hadn’t seen Jack in a while and had no idea how much alcohol his best friend had consumed tonight.

Sammy was only drinking a little. He didn’t like blacking out, and had done it a few too many times this past year whenever he got out of the stiflingly cramped five-bedroom house three blocks from the stiflingly cramped campus to the club across town and forget his name for a few hours a night.

That was what Sammy’s blackouts were reserved for, not a casual and fun celebration with his friends that didn’t inspire unhealthy amounts of shame and guilt deep in his gut.

He was strictly keeping himself at three drinks tonight, just enough to loosen up and not stew in his own anxieties. Tonight was not supposed to be about Sammy’s self-hatred even if most things in his life seemed to be peppered with it.

“Sam!”

Someone was suddenly shaking his shoulders in a way that was almost violent, and Sammy knew it was Darren without turning around. His roommate got like this when he drank too much, way too physical and ignoring Sammy’s carefully constructed boundaries.

Darren was the only of his roommates that Sammy wasn’t really friends with. While he and Lauren weren’t exactly close, she was Lily’s good friend and at least Lauren could hold a decent conversation about journalistic ethics.

“Hi, Darren,” Sammy said, knowing he sounded far more miserable than anyone at a party had any right to, but he was kind of sick of the noise and all of people in his space.

“You being maudlin again, Sam?” Darren guffawed and clapped Sammy’s back again, hitting a little too hard and some of Sammy’s punch sloshed over the edge of the cup.

“Sammy,” Sammy corrected for potentially the fourteenth time that week even though Darren had been his roommate for the past nine months. “And no, I just don’t feel like dancing.”

“C’mon, man, even Lily’s dancing!” Darren made a grand gesture with his hand out to the dance floor. Lily was indeed amid the people dancing around her, but to call what Lily was doing _dancing_ would be a stretch. She was moving her head slightly in beat with the bass, which was probably as close as Lily Wright came to letting it all hang loose.

“I’ll pass,” Sammy said, taking a long drink from his cup as Darren rolled his eyes at him.

“C’mon, dude, there’s this girl I wanna introduce you to. Get this – her name’s _Candy –_ like Candy! Candy, man! I would’ve hooked up with her myself but Dezzy and I are on-again and she says she has a _thing_ for radio guys. Wants you to talk dirty to her, I bet.”

Darren pointedly nudged Sammy with his elbow as Sammy resisted the urge to throw up.

He should at least go talk to the girl to keep up pretenses and so Darren would get off his back – and so he wouldn’t suspect that hooking up with a girl was the last thing that Sammy wanted to do tonight. Or any night.

But fuck it, he was slightly buzzed and too annoyed to deal right now, so instead he said, “You sure you and Dezzy are on-again, Darren?”

Darren’s eyes went out of focus for half a second and a small smile stretched across his face. “Good point, dude. I think I want the _candy_ all to myself if you know what I mean. You good, man?”

“Yeah,” Sammy said, trying to inject something like disappointment into his voice that he didn’t get to sleep with this Candy girl even though all he could feel was relief. “I’ll go see if Jack’s drowned in his own vomit by now.”

Sammy figured Jack had to be too drunk to function since Sammy had barely seen him all night, since usually when Darren decided to throw parties he and Jack would stand around and make fun of everyone them together.

Parties without Jack were pretty dull and even though Sammy could probably recruit Lily to be judgmental and pretentious with him, she’d graduated from head-moving to head-bopping and Sammy didn’t want to take that precious moment away from her.

“See you later, dude!” Darren hit Sammy again before giving him an exaggerated wink and striding across the room to lean over a blonde-haired girl who laughed loudly and shrilly at whatever Darren said next.

Sammy downed the rest of his drink and threw the cup in the trash can before wandering up the staircase and past a game or two of beer pong, an eye out for Jack.

For as much as Sammy drank when he made his semi-regular visits to the club of shame, he really wasn’t a house party type of guy. He didn’t like people up in his personal space. That many people in the same place that he lived made his skin itch. He felt like they were all watching him.

The guy vomiting in the upstairs bathroom that Jack, Sammy, and Darren shared wasn’t Jack, or even anyone Sammy recognized. He knew he’d probably be stuck mopping up whatever didn’t hit the toilet in the morning, since Darren would be hungover as hell and Jack would vomit himself if he so much as smelled someone else’s, and Sammy would prefer to avoid that.

Jack might be hungover as hell himself tomorrow – Sammy didn’t know because he couldn’t fucking find him. And it wasn’t like Jack was the type to be off chewing face with some girl like Darren would, so Sammy was actually getting slightly worried that Darren had indeed put something horrific in the punchbowl that hadn’t taken effect on Sammy yet that Jack had fallen victim to.

It was then that Sammy noticed the light was on under Jack’s door at the end of the hallway – he, Jack, and Lily always kept their rooms locked up tight when Darren decided it was party time because they were all deeply suspicious people who didn’t want anyone getting heated up in their rooms, but especially Darren if he was so drunk he forgot which bed was his.

Sammy wasn’t sure if some amorous couple had found their way inside or Jack was hiding from the party, but he figured that either way he’d better check it out and either make sure some frat guy and his girlfriend didn’t make it on Jack’s bed – or just hang out with Jack instead of dealing with the messiness of the party and all of people there.

Sammy much preferred the second option, but it was whatever.

The door wasn’t locked, which was a little worrying –

That was, until Sammy opened the door to see Jack standing with some long-haired guy that Sammy didn’t recognize.

It didn’t process in Sammy’s brain for a second that they weren’t just standing there, that Jack had the other guy pressed against his dresser, that the two of them were touching, were _kissing_ , but that was probably because the second he was able to process that particular fact, his brain short-circuited on the spot.

The other guy noticed Sammy first and quickly broke off contact with Jack, almost shoving him away. Jack began to turn, and Sammy felt like the world was moving in slow motion, he could practically hear his heart in his chest even if his brain was completely incapable of processing any thoughts about this –

Jack’s eyes widened in a way that could have been comical but obviously wasn’t, because Sammy recognized that fear in Jack’s eyes as what he felt inside every single day of his life.

“I thought you said you locked the door,” the other guy, who Sammy suddenly hated with a venomous fire, said with a tight voice.

“I thought I did,” Jack replied, breathless. “Sammy –”

Sammy forced his mouth to form words even though everything tasted like lead. “I – sorry. I – shit. Sorry Jack, I –”

Sammy couldn’t possibly get out more than that, so he did what he was best at and immediately backed away, slammed the bedroom door, and tried to break into a full sprint to get the fuck out of that situation.

Sammy couldn’t really feel much of anything other than _on fire_ , his chest uncomfortably tight and his breath coming out only in little puffs. The heat of the people around him and the throbbing bass of the speakers suddenly became distinctly unbearable.

Sammy miraculously got out the back door of the house and onto their tiny fake patio where he could at least sit on a lawn chair and have emotions in peace.

Sammy really, really tried to repress his feelings for Jack. Really fucking hard. It wasn’t like it was easy – Jack was his best friend, the person he did everything with, whether that was hosting the college radio program, smoking pot after grueling exams, getting burgers at midnight, staying up for hours talking about what they wanted and how they wanted to get it and of course it would always be together, their futures were going to be together –

Sammy suddenly found he couldn’t breathe again and wished he would’ve thought to get a drink before he came outside, because he couldn’t possibly deal with his sober.

He thought there was no chance – Jack couldn’t possibly see him in any way other than friends because Jack was straight. There was no other way to look at things that was going to be productive for Sammy’s health and ability to repress his feelings.

If Jack wasn’t straight –

Fuck, Sammy couldn’t think like that, even though the evidence that Jack wasn’t straight was very clearly in front of him. But he couldn’t fuck up his friendship with Jack because Sammy wanted to sleep with him.

More than sleep with him, really. Some of the hall of famers in Sammy’s league of repression included things like making pancakes together and getting a dog and growing old and other sappy, sentimental, utterly romantic things that Sammy would not, could not think about, now or ever, because Jack was the only almost-perfect thing in his life and he couldn’t lose him, not for anything.

Sammy heard the door to the patio open but couldn’t possibly turn and see if it was Jack – it wasn’t Jack, obviously, Jack was probably having a great time with some attractive guy that Sammy despised with all his might despite knowing nothing about him, maybe Jack was drunk and wouldn’t even remember tonight, maybe –

“Sammy?”

Sammy didn’t want to turn, didn’t want to deal, but that didn’t stop the flood of relief he felt at hearing Jack’s voice.

Biting his lip, he made himself meet Jack’s eye. Jack looked – well, terrified. His eyes were huge, staring down at Sammy with some deep innate fear that Sammy knew all too well. His hands were shaking.

“Hey,” Sammy said, his voice coming out scratchier than he would’ve liked. He tried to smile, tried to show Jack that everything was okay as he gestured to their other lawn chair that Jack gingerly took a seat in.

“Hey,” Jack said, a half-smile on his face for half a second, his eyes never leaving Sammy’s. “I – I’m sorry about –”

“Hey, _I’m_ sorry about,” Sammy corrected, forcing himself to man up and deal with this problem like a fucking adult. “I shouldn’t have – have barged in like that. I didn’t think you’d be –”

“Yeah,” Jack huffed out a breath, and they sat in silence for a second, still making eye contact but obviously neither of them not really knowing what to say next.

“You didn’t have to –” Sammy started hesitantly. “I mean, you didn’t have to chase me down like this. What about the guy?”

Jack let out a breath through his nose and broke eye contact to stare down at his hands. “I – obviously you’re a little more important to me than some random hook-up, Sammy. I had to make sure you didn’t – didn’t hate me or –”

“Jack,” Sammy said softly. He didn’t think his voice could come out that soft. He wanted to reach over and touch Jack, an arm around his shoulder, or even hold his hand, but his body definitely wasn’t going to let him do that. “Nothing could make me hate you. Especially not –”

As usual, Sammy couldn’t finish the thought, but Jack’s half-smile, half-grimace over at him told him that the message at least had gotten across.

“I’m sorry,” Sammy said again because he wasn’t sure what else he could say, what was safe, what would reveal too much about just how much and how greatly he felt for Jack. “I shouldn’t have – shouldn’t have interrupted. I thought some couple had gotten into your room or something, I didn’t even think that you–”

Jack laughed, small but solid. “I’m not really a hook-up kind of guy, I know. I think you scared Chris off, anyway. It’s fine, probably for the best. I just – before I graduated, I just wanted to. Before we start our careers and – I just. Wanted to. Since I might not get another chance.”

“What do you mean?” Sammy asked, even though he could feel the answer in his chest because this was the kind of thing he thought about every night before he fell asleep.

“I can’t – I can’t risk my career, risk yours and Lily’s careers over – over this,” Jack’s hand twitched, almost began shaking again. “Who would want to hire me if they knew –?”

His voice cracked and his jaw clenched, his eyes distinctly not meeting Sammy’s.

“I want to be successful,” Jack began again, a steely resolve in his voice. “I could give less of a shit what a group of drunk college idiots thinks of me, but I care a hell of a lot about ruining my career before it even starts.”

Jack’s face suddenly went soft, his eyes flickering toward Sammy’s again. “Really the only person I cared about knowing was – was you. I don’t care if Lauren thinks I’m hedonistic or Darren refuses to hang out with me anymore – but God, Sammy, I was scared to tell you.”

“What about Lily?” Sammy said because he couldn’t possibly address anything else that Jack had just said. “Don’t you care about what she thinks?”

“Oh, Lily’s known for ages,” Jack said with a snort. “Probably since I’ve known. I wasn’t scared to tell her, I knew she’d stick with me no matter what as long as I didn’t put her career on the line for it. And I won’t. Hers or yours, I swear. We’re only in this house and on campus for the rest of summer. After that, when the three of us get that apartment downtown and figure out how to produce our own show – it’ll just be the three of us, like it should be. I don’t wanna risk it, not for anything, and I didn’t know how you would react so – so I was so terrified of telling you.”

“You shouldn’t have been,” Sammy forced himself to reach over and clumsily pat Jack’s elbow, because if he got any closer he probably couldn’t stop. “Jack, you’re – you’re my best friend. You’re right, it’s the three of us no matter what. And I don’t care if you – if you want to see someone. Or sleep with someone. Worrying about my radio career when you’re sleeping with someone is pretty unsexy, alright?”

There was a look in Jack’s eyes that Sammy couldn’t quite read, but he laughed all the same at the weak attempt at a joke.

“I’m glad you know now,” Jack said with a little smile. “Thanks for not hating me, dude.”

“Jack, I –” Sammy was going to finish the sentence with another reassurance, but then the words he’d been avoiding saying all night crawled out of the pit of his stomach and into his mouth, and God, he was going to say it, he was going to say the thing he couldn’t take back, he was going to –

“Me too,” Sammy’s breaths came out short and labored as Jack blinked at him curiously.

“You too…what?” Jack asked, his eyes raking over Sammy as if he’d find an answer there but Sammy had to say it, that was the only way, he had to say it, say something, say anything –

“Me _too_ ,” Sammy repeated a little more forcefully. “I…also. You know. I am also. I also…am. _Me too_.”

Jack’s eyes widened and Sammy knew that his intent had gotten across and he felt somewhere between elated and sick to his stomach.

“You… _too_ ,” Jack repeated, a real, true smile breaking out on his face for the first time that night, unhindered by nerves or anxieties. “Like…?”

He pointed in the general direction of his bedroom and all Sammy could do was nod because no more words were possibly going to come out of his mouth tonight.

Jack laughed, bright and happy. Something expanded in Sammy’s chest almost painfully, but everything was worth it to hear that laugh.

“I guess I shouldn’t have been worried,” Jack laughed some more, his voice suddenly free and loose and without the reservation he clearly had before, and Sammy’s own shoulders finally relaxed at the sound. “Were you – were you worried? About telling me?”

“Extremely,” Sammy admitted, looking at his hands, not saying that he probably wouldn’t have ever told Jack when he thought he was straight because it would have had to go along with an extraordinarily awkward _I think I’m in love with you_ which was not something a straight best friend wanted to hear.

And even though Jack wasn’t straight, it clearly wasn’t something he wanted to hear either, and Sammy had been brave enough tonight, probably braver than he’d ever been in his life.

He let his best friend reach over and hug the breath out of him, and reassured himself with the knowledge that even though Jack didn’t love him, Jack wouldn’t hate him if he ever found out Sammy’s other carefully kept secret.

* * *

 

In some ways, Sammy and Jack were closer than ever. There had always been an easy understanding between the two of them, an ability to tell what the other was thinking almost instinctively. That bond had only increased in the past months with the added kinship of a shared secret and a deep commonality between them that neither of them had ever shared with – well, anyone.

Most things hadn’t changed, and the things that had were mostly for the best and made Sammy feel less alone and isolated.

Except for the fact that Chris, Jack’s unfortunate hook-up from the graduation party, was suddenly a present part of Jack’s life in a way that Sammy did not care for in the slightest.

He knew that Jack was sleeping with him and that was _fine_ – it _was,_ it fucking _was,_ it was all _fine –_ but it was when Chris came to hang out with Jack separate from that, when Chris was suddenly just _there_ when Jack was there, when he was meant to be spending time with Sammy and Lily.

Sammy had no idea if Chris was just a fuck buddy or if he was really Jack’s boyfriend – what Jack had told him that night made him think it was the former, but Chris was around way too fucking much for it to be just casual.

After the third time Chris was in the house for dinner and him and Jack had disappeared to do something Sammy didn’t want to think about, Lily turned to Sammy with tired eyes and a long sigh.

“He’s so boring,” Lily whispered scathingly, and Sammy snorted in response as he put the leftovers in their fridge. “Thankfully they have absolutely no chemistry so their relationship isn’t obvious in the slightest.”

“He’s…” Sammy wanted to be supportive of Jack, but he was also in a semi-permanent state of jealousy and wanted to be petty with Lily because she was the only person he knew that was equally as petty as he was. “…a snooze. I mean, he talked for twenty minutes about the importance of the free market. Who cares if he’s an econ major? We graduated already.”

“I swear, Stevens – can’t you just date Jack? At least I like you – or at least am already aware of all of the ways in which you suck and I’m used to it,” Lily sighed but all Sammy could do was freeze in place, and the second Lily got sight of his face, he knew he was found out.

A smug smile grew on her features as Sammy’s heartrate increased by ten thousand beats a minute or so. “Oh my God, you want to date Jack.”

“I do not, shut up,” Sammy knew that his blush gave him away immediately, and Lily practically cackled.

“You do! You want to date Jack!” Lily looked all too pleased with herself.

“…Keep your voice down,” Sammy relented as Lily laughed at him. “And don’t tell him! I’m working on getting over it.”

Going out to the club across town and getting plastered and sleeping with whoever was nearest wasn’t exactly the most conductive way to get over his best friend, but Sammy figured that if he did it often enough maybe he’d make some progress.

“Well, I’d prefer you to econ major Chris,” Lily said with a teasing shrug of her shoulders. “Even though I’m sure I would get disgusted with the two of you within minutes.”

“Whatever,” Sammy muttered under his breath and distinctly not picturing any kind of future that included that.

Later that night after Lily had stopped her merciless teasing and Sammy was working on a project for his summer internship at the kitchen table a little past midnight, Jack appeared from the hallway looking pale and tired, and Sammy pointedly ignored the bruise on his neck.

“Hey,” Sammy said when Jack smiled at him, pushing his notes away. “What are you doing up?”

“Food,” Jack grunted in response as he opened the fridge door. “You want pancakes? I think I’m gonna make pancakes.”

“You’re gonna make pancakes at midnight?” Sammy laughed, affection for Jack blooming in his chest.

“I’m hungry,” Jack said as if it were an explanation.

“…Where’s Chris?” Sammy didn’t really want to know the answer, but figured he’d better ask just in case the man himself was coming to infringe on Sammy’s kitchen again.

Jack shrugged, a neutral expression on his face. “Left a while ago.”

“Is that…a good or bad thing?” Sammy also didn’t really want to know the answer to that either.

Jack grimaced. “Chris…is fine. But not worth risking anything over, you know? Especially because we’ve got that lease starting downtown next month, and Lily is looking into recording studios to get our names out there…it’ll be short-lived no matter what. It’s for the best that he’s not exactly the most –”

“Interesting person in the world?” Sammy suggested and Jack laughed immediately, bright and cheerful.

“No, not as such,” Jack hid a smile. “Marlon Brando he is not.”

“Marlon Brando? Really? That’s your example?” Sammy snorted.

“Whatever, he’s hot – who would you pick then?”

“I dunno,” Sammy said, his cheeks heating up. “Brad Pitt?”

“You’re so cliché,” Jack shook his head at him in mock-desperation. “Anyway. I’m making pancakes. Do you want any?”

“Yeah,” Sammy said, standing up, feeling lighter than he had in a long time. “Want any help?”

* * *

 

Sammy was drunk enough that he was making a truly terrible decision, but sober enough to be aware of how terrible that decision was.

Sammy had hooked up with plenty of guys when he went to the club across town, but he’d never brought one back to his house before, not with his inherent guilt and shame over the whole ordeal – both sleeping with guys in general but more specifically sleeping with the sleaziest guys he could find so he wouldn’t form any attachment to them.

But now that Jack and Lily knew, and Sammy was drunk enough to not care what Lauren and Darren thought when they only had a month left of living together anyway, Sammy’s alcohol-addled brain had decided that some tall biker kind of guy from the club was somehow worthy of getting to see where he lived.

Not to mention that when he was drunk, he thought it was a great idea to try to make Jack feel as jealous as Sammy felt day in and day out.

Chris was still sort of around in an oblique and infrequent sort of way, but Drunk Sammy thought it was all the better if Chris was there tonight even though Sober Sammy was certain that he’d die on the spot if that happened.

But his drunken self was behind the wheel right now, and the biker guy whose name that Sammy did not know was also drunk enough that he didn’t care that Sammy was trying to get him off in the hallway before pushing him into the bedroom.

Sammy woke up the next morning with varied recollections of the night before. The biker guy was gone already, Sammy felt a bit like death walking, and Jack greeted him normally the next morning with a smile and an offer to put the coffee on so he was relatively certain that he hadn’t made anyone jealous and only hated himself more for it.

* * *

 

Most of Sammy’s boxes were packed. All that was left to do was deal with his bedframe and move everything into his car and get to the downtown apartment that he, Jack, and Lily had finalized last month.

The three of them were really going to be against the world now – Jack’s job at the university was over, Sammy’s internship had ended last week, and Lily was roaring and ready to go to get the three of them on the airwaves, any airwaves at all, because the three of them were a package deal even if they were all scrambling to find day jobs as well to pay the rent.

They only had two more nights in their house near campus – Lauren had been gone for over a month now, moved out east near her parents, but Darren would stay in the house until the lease was up in September – when Jack came into Sammy’s room with an open bottle of Merlot.

“Are we celebrating?” Sammy looked up from his taping up of the cardboard boxes strewn across his room as Jack set the bottle in front of him.

“No,” Jack began with a sardonic little smile. “We’re commiserating. I just broke things off with Chris.”

“Oh,” Sammy began, schooling his features into those of disappointment even though relief sang through his bones. “I’m sorry, man.”

“Don’t be,” Jack said with a shrug, sitting down on the ground next to Sammy and taking a long drink directly from the bottle before offering it in his direction. Sammy took a swig as well. “It was a long time coming – since we met, really. It just sucks since I don’t know if I’ll ever – get that with anyone again.”

“You could,” Sammy tried for comforting but it came out more than a little miserable. “I mean, you have a better chance than I do at the very least.”

“Hey, don’t think I heard you and…. whoever that was a few weeks ago,” Jack made a face and Sammy immediately felt like the air in the room was being sucked up.

“You…saw that?” Sammy said awkwardly, and even though that had really been the goal of the whole endeavor, all he could feel now was crushing embarrassment that Jack had to witness that particular mistake.

“Heard it,” Jack corrected, and Sammy’s embarrassment grew tenfold.

“God, I’m sorry,” Sammy cringed. “That was not a shining moment for me.”

Jack took another long drink from the bottle of merlot before letting Sammy have another go. “Well, Chris in general wasn’t a shining moment for me, so I’m not gonna judge. What was that guy’s name?”

Sammy could have made one up so as not to go into a real shame spiral, but instead he sighed miserably. “No idea.”

“Do you do that a lot?” Jack asked, genuine curiosity in his voice. “Hook up with people who you don’t know at all?”

“Yeah,” Sammy said, a lump in his throat. “But I’m not going to anymore, now that – now that our careers are really starting. I can’t get away with it anymore because – you’re right. It’s not worth risking our futures over, not for something that... _hollow_.”

“Hollow,” Jack laughed bitterly. “That’s a good word for it.”

“Was Chris…” Sammy hesitated. “Was he a regular hook-up or was he like, your boyfriend or something?”

Jack shrugged, spreading his arms out. “No idea. I think he wanted to be my boyfriend, but I just…couldn’t. Not with him, at least. Probably not with anyone. But that’s okay. You and Lily and radio. That’s all the future I need.”

Sammy smiled, but there was a piece of him that broke a little at the idea that Jack would never think of Sammy that way, like _he_ could be Jack’s boyfriend.

Not that Sammy would have any idea at all how to be Jack’s boyfriend, but it was worthless to think about that. It would never really happen. It was just some pipe dream for Sammy to fantasize about when he felt low.

“If I was just gonna be an accountant or something, I think I’d come out. Like to everyone. And this wouldn’t be as big a deal, and maybe I’d have another shot,” Jack said with a bitter tone to his voice as he folded his legs up toward his chest. “But successful, famous broadcast journalists aren’t gay.”

“I don’t think I could,” Sammy said, sandpaper in his mouth, “even if I was gonna be an accountant. I just care too much about what people think of me, I guess. I want to be liked too much to have the world automatically hate me. I’m afraid of – of _anyone_ knowing, anytime, in any circumstance. I just – at least you’re brave enough to try, Jack.”

“I’m really not that brave at all,” Jack shook his head, but there was an affectionate look on his face. “I guess we’re both a little too cowardly for this.”

Sammy wasn’t sure what _this_ meant, but he was a little too cowardly for anything. At least Jack had come clean with him – Sammy couldn’t even tell his best friend that he loved him.

He came as close as he ever had that night, after hours of he and Jack just sitting and drinking on the floor of his bedroom, laughing about nothing and sympathizing with each other’s terrible childhood stories of hiding their sexualities, and Sammy maybe never felt closer to Jack before in his life.

They were leaning up against a stack of boxes, more than a little tipsy, Jack’s head on Sammy’s shoulder as they dozed in and out of sleep.

Sammy, without knowing he was asking a question until it was out of his mouth, said “Hey Jack?”

Jack grunted, obviously more than halfway asleep.

“Why don’t you like me?” Sammy said, and it came out as a whisper.

Jack’s head dropped from Sammy’s shoulder to his chest, his hair brushing against Sammy’s chin.

“What are you talking about?” Jack mumbled. “I love you.”

The words were barely out of his mouth when Sammy decided he must have imagined it because there was no way that could be something that really happened. It was the definition of too good to be true.

* * *

 

Jack never mentioned it again, so Sammy was rather certain in his assumption that his sleep and alcohol-addled brain had made that up, and that even if he hadn’t Jack had obviously meant that he loved him as a friend, but it was beside the point because he had probably never said it at all.

Anyway, they were too busy for Sammy to dwell on that for too long. The three of them moved downtown, Jack got a job as an assistant producer at an AM station that they were hoping to get their foot in at and Sammy and Lily made money fact-checking for the same station, though Lily was decidedly better the job than Sammy was.

Lily was the barterer among the three of them, and she eventually bribed her way into getting a timeslot of two hours a week on air for the three of them, with a chance to get more if they could garner any kind of success.

It was grueling, working their way up the ladder, but once Sammy got behind a microphone and started doing something he was good at, he knew it would all be worth it.

He didn’t go to the club anymore, which helped substantially lower his feelings of shame. Jack also never brought anyone to the apartment that Sammy saw or heard, so he figured they were both keeping their love lives at a minimum from now one. They were in make it or break it time, after all, and the slightest whiff of anything out of the ordinary could easily ruin their careers before they even started.

That was Jack’s train of thought, Sammy knew. Sammy couldn’t have a boyfriend if he tried and he probably never would – Jack had at least made a decent attempt at it.

Still, the stress of trying to be taken seriously was taking a lot out of all three of them. Lily didn’t sleep much, and was constantly snapping at the two of them over the littlest things. Sammy would forget to eat most days, and kept everyone at a dismissive arm’s length. Jack completely shut them out and wouldn’t look up from his work for days on end.

It was a particularly bad night when Lily screamed herself hoarse at the two of them for not taking their futures seriously enough and slamming the door loud enough to make it rattle on her way out and Jack pulled his earbuds with a loud and forceful groan.

“I swear,” Jack grouched, shoving his notebook out of arm’s reach from where he sat on the loveseat. Sammy, from the kitchen table, looked at him defensively, not knowing if Jack was going to take this out on him or just bitch about Lily for a while. “She can’t function without blaming all of her problems on us.”

It was the preferable option, so Sammy felt like it was safe to move closer, sliding away from the kitchen to sit on the couch opposite Jack.

“Let’s do something fun,” Jack said decidedly, a look of grim determination on his face that quickly faded into exasperation. “I don’t remember what fun is like. What did we used to do for fun?”

Sammy shook his head. “Fuck if I know. Wanna watch a movie?”

“I _want_ ,” Jack said, “to get out of this fucking apartment for a change.”

“We could go to the theater,” Sammy suggested. “I wonder if Revenge of the Sith is still playing.”

Jack’s lower lip twitched. “Don’t talk to me about fucking Revenge of the Sith or I’ll release my Lily-like rage upon thee.”

“Oh, the horror,” Sammy said, and they both laughed, catching each other’s eye and Sammy finally let himself relax a little now that it was just the two of them.

“You know what the great thing about college was?” Jack mused. “You could always find a party, no matter what time or day of the week, there was always something. Now we’re adults and we’re apparently above all that.”

“We could go to a club, that’s basically the same thing but more acceptable for adults,” Sammy said lightly, not really meaning it, but then Jack started nodding.

“Yeah, let’s do that,” Jack said, standing up, and Sammy blinked up at him a couple of times.

“What? Seriously?” Sammy asked. “You’ve never wanted to before.”

Jack shrugged. “I’m feeling a little reckless tonight. Besides, I’ve never been to a gay club before, so I should probably do it before I lose my nerve. Or we climb anywhere on the rungs of the ladder of success. I’m annoyed enough not to care right now is what I’m saying.”

“And what am I gonna do, be your wingman?” Sammy snorted. “I promise I’ll suck at it.”

Mainly because he would certainly, consciously or unconsciously, sabotage any chance Jack had at taking someone home, but he wasn’t going to say that part out loud.

“Well obviously _you’re_ not the one who needs a wingman, Stevens,” Jack said with a teasing smirk. “You probably know half the guys there already.”

Jack’s grin widened the more Sammy blushed. “Do you? Do you know half the guys?”

“Shut up!” Sammy stood up to shove at Jack’s shoulder. “You wanna go, we’ll go, alright? God, you’re annoying.”

“It’s either that or we can go find Lily and beg forgiveness,” Jack said with a tilt of his head, and Sammy relented with a long sigh. “C’mon, it’ll be fun!”

“That’s one word for it,” Sammy muttered darkly as he grabbed his car keys.

The thing about Jack is that he was really fucking attractive, both from Sammy’s point of view but also objective reality. Obviously, Sammy thought he was hot – he was half in love with the guy. He noticed the little things, the way Jack threw his head back when he laughed, how he’d drum his nails on countertops, the way he’d relax when it was just the two of them.

But Jack was also just really fucking attractive in general, with his tousled blonde hair and blue eyes, looking all the California surfer guy, the type that girls would fawn over in magazines.

Sammy didn’t care about if girls fawned over Jack, because that obviously was not an issue or conflict of interest. But he cared very much if Jack received similar treatment from men who wanted to sleep with him, both out of jealousy and a little protectiveness. As much as Sammy went to that club that he could never name in his head out of shame, he didn’t like it there and didn’t want Jack to be there experiencing it with him.

Jack would probably be fine there. He’d probably have fun. Jack didn’t have a self-hating, destructive streak like Sammy did. If he went home with someone, it wouldn’t be the first person to smile at him because he was so starved for affection from anyone, no matter who it was.

Sammy could tell Jack wasn’t entirely comfortable from the minute they walked in, the way he shrank in on himself and kept his head down when usually Jack was the most obnoxiously self-confident person he knew – after his sister, of course.

“You wanna get drinks or dance?” Sammy said, standing a little closer to Jack than he normally would.

Jack hesitated for half a second before he said “Dance? I guess?”

He waited for Sammy to grab his elbow and pull him toward the dancing, which was more than a little cute. Jack normally didn’t follow anyone’s lead, but Sammy could tell that his best friend felt out of his element.

It wasn’t like Sammy was comfortable here, but he’d spent more time than he’d care to admit here, so he knew the protocol.

What he didn’t know was how closely Jack would stick by his side. He expected Jack to take the club like Jack took to everything else in life – completely naturally without any sort of a hesitation or shame. But Jack stayed next to Sammy, not straying away, an arm around his neck.

Sammy had definitely never danced with Jack before – he would have remembered if he had, whether drunk or sober, at any of the many parties they’d gone to in their college careers. It was a little awkward and middle school-like at first until Jack raised a challenging eyebrow and grinded his hips in Sammy’s direction and Sammy blushed and looked away as Jack laughed at him.

It got easier after that, more comfortable, and Sammy couldn’t help but think that he could get used to this, and spent more than a few seconds imagining that they were somewhere else, somewhere quieter but still glued together like this.

Sammy wasn’t sure how long they danced together, only that felt like a couple of eternities, but he became all too aware that the two of them weren’t actually alone when some squirrelly guy he slept with six or seven months ago appears somewhere near Jack’s shoulder.

“This your boyfriend, Sam?” The guy asked a little too loudly. Jack turned at the noise, and Sammy was pretty sure he’d never been more embarrassed before. “And I took you for the worst closet case.”

“Fuck off, Anthony,” Sammy sniped, remembering the guy’s name a second before he said it.

“Watch out,” Anthony said, obviously directed at Jack, and something burns in Sammy’s stomach. “He’s a shitty lay when he’s hammered.”

“Hey, I said fuck off,” Sammy repeated, not able to look at Jack’s face, instead glaring pointedly at the guy who honestly, he could barely remember any of his encounter with beyond their initial meeting.

“Probably can’t admit he’s gay without a drink or two –”

“He said fuck off, Tony,” Jack’s voice was icier than Sammy’s as he turned to face the guy with a menacing glare, his hands slipping from around Sammy’s neck to clench into fists. Sammy knew that Jack would never get into a physical fight with anyone, but his rugby player’s build probably looked a little more intimidating to a stranger.

“Just warning you,” Anthony muttered under his breath as he skirted the pair of them and headed toward the bar, as the few onlookers they’d garnered returned to dancing.

“Consider me warned!” Jack called after his retreating form in his most sarcastic voice. The anger in his eyes quickly slipped into concern as he looped an arm back around Sammy’s neck. “Hey. Are you okay?”

Sammy shook his head. “It’s whatever. C’mon, we’ve gotta get you the full club experience. Find someone else to dance with, man. I’m sure you’ll be plenty popular. I’m just gonna go get a drink –”

Sammy’s voice caught in his throat, because he hated proving fuckers like Anthony right, but nothing Anthony said wasn’t true. Other than that Jack was his boyfriend, which Sammy desperately wanted to be true and yet would never be.

“Sammy,” Jack locked his arms firmly around Sammy to keep him from running away. “I’m pretty sure anyone who didn’t already think you were my boyfriend _definitely_ thinks so now. There’s a twenty-four-hour burger place nearby – why don’t we go get something to eat?”

“We don’t have to go –”

“Not up for discussion,” Jack said with an affectionate grin as he let go of Sammy’s neck only to take his elbow and pull him off the dance floor.

* * *

 

“Sorry I ruined your first night at a gay club,” Sammy said as they waited for their burgers in a booth six blocks away from the club that Jack had steered them out of without argument. “I would say they’re not all that bad but...most of mine aren’t excellent. I’m probably a bad luck charm.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Jack said with a wave of his hand. “Not important. I’ll go to a lesbian club with Lily next time. But seriously, did you really sleep with that weaselly little fucker?”

Sammy winced. “I…don’t remember it very well. But yes.”

“Didn’t think that was your type,” Jack said, taking a long drink of Diet Pepsi as Sammy blinked at him.

“How would you know what my type is?”

“I thought Brad Pitt was your type,” Jack said, his lip twitching as Sammy groaned. Jack hadn’t stopped giving him shit about that. “Also, that one guy. That you brought back to the house last summer. He was…significantly bigger. And beardier.”

“I thought you didn’t actually see him,” Sammy asked, a little confused, but his curiosity piqued as Jack’s face turned a particular shade of pink.

“I may have snuck down to the living room to see him as he left,” Jack said, smiling a little but not meeting Sammy’s eye. “What? You’d never brought anyone home before, I was curious!”

“That was such a mistake,” Sammy reminded him. “But neither of those guys is my _type_. I don’t really have a _type_.”

“…Is it because you’re always drunk?” Jack said, the wince on his face matching the one Sammy felt in his chest. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to ask. But I’m a little concerned.”

Sammy sighed, and took a long drink of Jack’s Diet Pepsi before answering. “Yeah. I’ve…never actually slept with anyone sober. Which I know is all kinds of fucked up. But it’s easier to…to separate from it if I can’t remember most of it.”

Jack blinked at him slowly, a look on his face that Sammy would have called pity in anyone else, but it was Jack. Jack knew him better than anyone else, and was maybe the only person who could kind of understand this.

“It’s why I fucking hate that club,” Sammy admitted. “I…God, I guess I want someone. But when I go there, _someone_ turns into _anyone_.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know, I wouldn’t have made you go if –”

“Contrary to popular belief, you don’t _make_ me do anything,” Sammy fake sniped, and Jack hid a grin. “I wanted to. I had fun. More fun than I’ve ever had there, and I was even sober for it. I’m the one who should be sorry since it was my sordid past that prevented you from getting laid.”

“I didn’t go there to get _laid_ ,” Jack rolled his eyes, but not without affection. “I went there to have fun with you. And I did – you know, up until that last part. Though I did like threatening that weaselly little shit.”

“Of course you did,” Sammy rolled his eyes right back at Jack, but they shared a grin as Jack let out a long sigh.

“I don’t think I could ever really do _clubs_ full time or try to meet someone there,” Jack said with a distasteful look on his face. “Not that I’m trying to meet anyone anyway. But where else are you supposed to do it? I don’t know. I guess I’m just a romantic at heart that wants something…I don’t know, softer. I mean, it’s not like I’m ever going to get anything at all. But it’s nice to dream.”

“You might, someday,” Sammy said, feeling more than a little broken at the idea of Jack really, deeply in love with someone who wasn’t him, but wanting his friend to be happy all the same. “I mean, supposedly it’s getting more and more widely accepted. Massachusetts even legalized marriage, if you feel like moving to Massachusetts.”

“Don’t really feel like moving to Massachusetts,” Jack said with a sarcastic laugh, but it was masking a wistfulness Sammy knew all too well. “I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem realistic for me. But that’s okay. I can be happy in other ways. I don’t need marriage or even dating, and especially not clubs and hook-ups to be happy.”

“Well, I’d probably spontaneously if I ever tried to go on a date,” Sammy joked, and Jack shook his head.

“Hey, what even is a date?” Jack said, spreading his arms laughingly. “A date could be anything. I bet you go on a date before you die, Stevens. I guarantee it.”

“Yeah, the date’ll be what kills me,” Sammy responded with his trademark snarkiness and Jack half-grinned at him, biting his lip.

“Anything can be a date,” Jack repeated. “It doesn’t have to be some black-tie event that you spend weeks prepping for – it could just be a movie or a bar or a fast food place –”

“A burger joint?”

Sammy meant it as a joke, but the joking part of it didn’t land. It wasn’t something they laughed off like most everything, because when he met Jack’s eye he knew that in that instant, both he and Jack knew that he wasn’t joking.

That was when the waitress brought their burgers by so they could quickly distract themselves with eating and decidedly not talking to one another as Sammy’s heartrate increased and he regretted every decision he’d ever made in his life that had led him to this moment. Could Jack forget about this? Could they move past it? Were things going to be unbearably awkward from now on?

“Sammy?” Jack asked, his voice slightly higher and more anxious than usual, and Sammy braced himself for the inevitable heartfelt and sympathetic rejection. “I – I know I’ve said before that I know I’m gonna be fine because – because I’m doing everything for my career. And for you, me, and Lily. But – but the real reason I know it’s all going to be fine is because I know you’re _always_ going to be in my life. And it’s always gonna be you and me. Forever. I don’t need a boyfriend…because I have you.”

That – that wasn’t a rejection. Sammy wasn’t sure what the hell it was. It could just be a testament to the binds of platonic friendship but the look in Jack’s eye like he just said something that could shake the foundations of the earth felt much more monumental than that.

“I – I feel the same way,” Sammy said, more than a little breathless. “You’re always gonna be the most important person in my life, Jack. No matter what.”

“Okay,” Jack said, a little smile on his face and his voice breathy. Sammy knew that this moment wasn’t going to be forgotten and brushed aside…and maybe that was a good thing.

“Okay,” Sammy repeated, and the smile on his face was almost compulsive, like he couldn’t do anything to stop it if he tried.

They finished their burgers while half staring at each other the entire time, and Sammy no idea what the hell was going to happen next. His heart was in his throat.

“We should get some extra fries for Lily,” Jack said when he spoke again, a sheepish grin on his face. “As a peace offering.”

“Yeah,” Sammy said, feeling a little dazed about the world outside of him and Jack. “Good idea.”

“I’ll, um,” Jack made a motion to stand up. “I’ll take care of the bill.”

“You don’t have to –”

“I want to,” Jack said, his eyes a little wide and voice shaky but altogether whole and there and God, he was really getting Sammy’s hopes up but this didn’t quite feel real.

“Okay,” Sammy said because it was all he could say.

The drive home was tension-filled, but somehow not awkward. It was like there was something buzzing in the air between them and Sammy kept taking his eyes off the road to rake them over Jack and see if he could tell what the hell Jack was thinking right now. He couldn’t prove it, but he had the feeling that Jack looked at him the same way every time Sammy’s eyes went back on the traffic.

The elevator ride up to their apartment felt like there was a wall of electricity between them that they couldn’t quite break through, and Sammy’s eyes kept flickering over to Jack’s.

They needed to do something, needed to say something, but Sammy had no idea how to articulate this mass of emotion that was a lump in his throat just waiting to exit into the world after being repressed for so long.

“Oh, the prodigal sons return,” Lily remarked snidely at the two of them as they entered the apartment. Instead of deflating the tension between them, Lily seemed to radiate even more tension as Sammy and Jack did their best not to look at each other. “I suppose you’ve spent all evening talking shit –”

Sammy could have laughed, but Jack held out the fries first.

“We got you French fries,” Jack said in lieu of an apology, and Lily crossed the room suspiciously to snatch them away, and tried a couple to make sure that Jack wasn’t poisoning her, presumably.

“Thanks,” Lily said a little begrudgingly. “And I guess I’m sorry for being snippy, I was in a bad mood. But honestly, what’s up with you two? You look like you were replaced by Pod People. I don’t think either of you have blinked since you came in here.”

“Just tired,” Jack said, casting a quick look at Sammy that Sammy didn’t miss. “I think – I’m gonna get to bed. Long day tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” Sammy said slowly. “Me too. Night, Lily.”

“No sarcastic comment?” Lily raised an eyebrow at Sammy, who usually didn’t let a conversation go by without saying something at least borderline disparaging, much like Lily herself, but all he could do tonight was shrug at her before following Jack down the hallway that led to their bedrooms.

Jack turned around when he hit his bedroom door, and for once, Sammy knew exactly what that wide-eyed, breathlessness meant and he wasn’t going to ignore it anymore, not for anything.

He practically collided with Jack in the effort to kiss him, but Jack’s strong arms held him in place as he angled his head down to get at Jack’s lips. All of the dreams and half-baked fantasies and repressed hopes of kissing Jack suddenly hit Sammy at full force and he almost buckled underneath the weight of it all, but Jack was there to hold him up.

They broke apart, both short of breath, after some indeterminate amount of time, but Sammy had never kissed anyone that long, that hard, and certainly not that passionately.

“Fuck,” Jack whispered, but he was smiling, almost laughing even, as he pressed his forehead against Sammy’s cheek. “You never said anything. Why didn’t you ever –”

“Well, first I thought you were straight and then I knew you weren’t but I thought you didn’t want –”

“Are you serious, have you known for that long?” Jack kissed him again, brief but hard. “We could have been – for that fucking long?”

“Well, why didn’t you say anything?” Sammy said, not wanting all the blame for this.

“Well, I thought _you_ were straight and then even when I knew you weren’t, I thought you weren’t interested in me –”

“Ungh, that fucking long, Jack?” Sammy couldn’t help from being snide and sarcastic, even now, but this was Jack, this was his best friend who knew him better than anyone, and Sammy kissed the laugh out of his mouth.

“Oh, shut up,” Jack said as Sammy pulled away. “We’re so bad at this.”

“Bad at what, existing?” Sammy said and Jack just laughed.

“Declarations of love,” Jack started out snide but his face softened almost immediately. “Fuck, I love you, Sammy, I always have.”

Sammy didn’t know he was choked up until he tried to speak and found that he couldn’t. He cleared his throat a couple of times before he said “I – yeah. Me too. Also. Me also. I – fuck, I’m worse at this than you are.”

“You’re both exceptionally bad at being _quiet_!” Lily’s voice rang out through the apartment and Sammy would have been embarrassed in almost any other circumstance, but he really didn’t have any room for emotions other than unbridled _joy_ right now. “Get a room already! I don’t care which room it is as long as it isn’t _mine_!”

“Do you wanna –” Jack blushed, jerking his head in the direction of his bedroom door and Sammy didn’t even have enough room for hesitation right now.

“Yeah,” Sammy said, smiling wider than he thought he ever had before.

“Need a drink first?” Jack asked, his smile faltering just a little, not enough that anyone but Sammy would have noticed it.

Sammy leaned in to kiss him hard. “Fuck no, I don’t need a drink.”


End file.
